Dear Mister Doctor President Obama,
I hear you have been receiving letters from India via your own esteemed country’s publications. This is the hegemony of the west at play, and you can yourself see how popular it is.
But you will also note that it is full of wrong information. But then, what else can you expect from these parochialists? It is good you made a federation in your country, and not just because it earned you the definitive article before the name. Now we in India are also asking – why are we not ‘The’ India. One day these parochialists will win, but I am writing to ask you not to support them. All this talk of God’s own country will only create divisions between states.
What will you do with elephants on beaches anyway? You have your own jumbo jet and you are bringing your own ‘Beast’ to India, no? Good. It is always better to travel with one’s own things. My uncle always told me to carry my own towel and pack it placed neatly on top of everything in the suitcase. This way when they ask you to open it at customs, there will be a neat ‘lajja vastra’ on top of all your other astra-vastras. Then, you can manage, you know. What is lajja you ask? Shame, shame it is. Shame garment we have here and everyone who can make shame wears it. We are like that only.
First you will be asking why I am calling you Doctor when you are a doctor of law and not medicine, or economics, or other such subjects. This is because we respect education very much in our country. Thousands of regulations we have to give promotion and work, but we call all professor. Respect is there, first. Then we don’t bother about anything else. Here we do degrees also fast fast. We are a nation in a hurry – so many people you know. If they don’t get degrees fast then where will they go?
I am rambling, this is I think is your goodness – you are very easy to talk to. Other presidents and all are not like that always. They have to get used to their own importance first maybe. One day they will learn, or you teach them. So many lessons your country has taught the world. Best to be like you only, then it becomes easy for y’all. That is how we say it, no? Y’all. Love Y’all. Most respectful distance be maintained in love shove and y’all.
One thing I wanted to tell you before you came visiting here and that is only why I am writing all this pretty stuff before. We have to be friends first no, otherwise how will you listen to me? No no, I have no packets for you to deliver, and I don’t want chocolates – we have our own very good halwa here and even if you think that Halwa is something that Turkey and all those countries do – let me tell you, our halwa is very different. It doesn’t have the stickiness of that other stuff, and it is – you know what I mean – lighter. Home made. Imports are trying to be coming, but they are too tough. There is no ‘one halwa to rule them all’ nonsense here in India. One village has one potato dish, next village – same potato, different dish. All a mixture of things we are, so we manage. Fully diversified portfolio. When one thing goes wrong something else saves us. Something always goes wrong somewhere – but why talk of bad bad things. Let us talk of happy and auspicious things and then only that will be our story.
So that one thing – now listen carefully. When you come here, make sure of this okay. I am saying it like best friend. Don’t buy anything imported here. That is where everything goes wrong. All sorts of wine shine and other indian made foreign things are made here only. Or will be one day. We make everything you want, so no outside stuffs ok? And prices, baap re! It is cheaper to go to other countries and buy things there only. Here, make sure you buy local only. Better for climate change also and really if you know where to shop, you can get everything here. Our cheese may be monotonous and the wine still a bit acidic – but ma, why you want that when you have chhole bhature and kaju barfi!
I know they are planning fancy dinners for you but here is the thing. (Okay, this is another thing). Food in Delhi and North India is the best in the world! Don’t go by all the over-engineered curries you have had anywhere – they are all wannabes. Pretentious frauds will be there everywhere. Don’t worry about Delhi Belly – that is all an urban myth put out by our enemies – you know them well, why to ask now. We have the best lassi and chhacch and you will have no problem with your stomach if you follow ancient rules. Now you ask your people to get you a hot fresh tandoori roti, some melt in the mouth kebabs, some phirni and other good stuff and you and family fully enjoy. That is why we are best. We put enjoy into everything. You come visit, and our whole family will enjoy together.
So Obamabhai, (bhai is brother – and if you are not brother then it would be oh-so-inappropriate to talk so freely to you), do what I say, come and visit and enjoy. Also, remember it is fully traditional that if you (and now we are modern so we allow all this) visit your sister’s home, but surely you must bring gifts that will bring honour upon you and your sister’s name.
Your loving sister, and with helloji to Michelle bhabhi and love to all in the family…we are all waiting eagerly to welcome you all. After all, all visits give pleasure – both in the coming and going.
(And that other fellow and his letter? Here it is – if you missed the very fantastic Sidin’s satire http://www.natgeotraveller.in/web-exclusive/web-exclusive-month/travel-humour-an-india-whistle-stop-tour-for-obamas-republic-day-visit/
It was so good, I could not resist joining the fun)