Bandarnama

Abhi haal mein sheher se bade bhaiyya aaye the, kucch din thehrenge.

Dilli sheher mein unki sarkaari naukri thi, to aksar ve chhuti le kar desh bhar mein ghoomte the. Videsh bhi jaane ki tayyari thi, par abhi tak voh suyog nahin hua tha, haan khabar poori duniya ki rakhte ka shauq tha. Bade bhaiiya ko teen cheezon ka shauk tha:  nayi nayi jagah dekhne ka, alag alag rehen sehen ke tareeke batorne ka, aur, ajoobi khabrein sun-ne sunaane ka. Bas, is hi shauq ki vajah se veh gaanv to saal mein ek hi baar aa paate the. Aur jab aate, badi rangeen kahaniyan le kar aate. Na jaane vaqt kaise guzar jaata. Unki chutti yoon shuru hoti, aur yoon hi phurr se khatm ho jaati.

Hum sab ko bade bhaiyya ke aane ka besabri se intezaar rehta. Unki potli dadima ki kahaniyon se kam na hoti. Par is baar to laga ki veh dadima ki potli hi utha laaye the! Kissa jo tha, voh to ajab hi tha…par vaise dekhen to koi baat hi nahin thi..

Kehte hain ki insaan jo hai, voh sadiyon pehle bandar tha. Bade bhaiyya yeh sheher se seekh kar aaye the. Kisi angrez Darwin ne bade saal khoj karke yeh pata kiya tha ki saare insaanon ke poorvaj ek tarah ke bandar the – yaani ki bandar hamaare baap dada hue. Aur iska matlab hua ki aaj kal ke bandar bhi hamare bhai bandhu hue.

Hamaare pardaada jo the voh hanuman bhakt the, to unke saath saath dadaji, phir pitaji aur phir hum sabhi ha mangalvar hanuman mandir jaate the aur dher saara bundi prasad jam ke khaate the. Bandar bhi hamaare dost the. Jo bhi hamaare paas hota that – roti, bundi -us mein bandaron ka hissa zaroor hota, aur hum mil baant ke kha lete the.  Ma bhi kehti hain – Hanumanji ka roop hain bandar. Haan haan main jaanta hoon ki vaanar aur bandar ek samaan nahin, par aaj kal vaanar kahaan se dhoondh laayein. Aap shaant ho kar bandaron se hi kaam chala lijiye – ab to yehi hamaare bhai hain.

Haan, to main kahan tha? Bandar ki baat chal rahi thi. To baat yoon hai ki hamaare gaaon ke bandar to bahut hi seedhe saadharan hain. Hamaare logon ki tarah. Par bhabhi jab sheher se lauti theen, to baap re – shehri bandaron ki aisi kahaniyan le kar aayein, ki ham to hans hans ke lot pot ho gaye.

Ek baar unke ghar mein bandar ghus aaya. Ab bhaiyya koi bade afsar to hain nahin ki ghar mein naukar chaakar hon aur unko bula ke bandar ko bhagaaya jaaye. Bhabhi ghar pe akeli theen. Unka ghar kucch puraane style ka tha. Baramdah khula hua, uske ek taraf gusalkhana aur doosri taraf rasoighar. Din ka khana kha kar bhabhi andar kamre mein oongh rahin thein. Achanak ek aawaz aayi, bartan ke girne ki. Bhabhi ghabra ke uthi, socha koi chor ghus aaya hai.Ya phir phir billii doodh mein moonh maarne chali aayi hai. Uth khadi houeen – aur main aap ko bata doon ki hamaari bhabhi koi aisi vaisi maamooli cheez nahin hain. Lambe kad ki, Tez aankhein, teekhi naak aur kya aawaz. Unke gusse ko to gaanv ka har baccha jaanta hai. Yeh rasoi ki billi kya cheez thi.

Bhabhi uthi aur rasoi ki aur badheen. Kya dekhti hain vahan ja kar ki koi billi nahin, bada sa bandar baitha tha. Vah, yeh kaise?! Billi to khidki ke sariyon ke beech se aa jaati thi. Par yeh to bada sa bandar tha-  yeh kaise ghus aaya?  Rasoi ki kundi ko khol ke hi aaya hoga – jaise hum kholte hain. Maze se rasoi ke thade pe baith ke kele kha raha tha. Ek nazar bhabhi ke tamtamate chehre par daal kar, aaraam se kela khaata raha.

Bhabhi bhi kaun si kam theen. Zor se gurraeyeen – Bhaag! Bandar Bhaag!

Bandar ne ek na suni.

Phir kya tha. Bandar aur Bhabhi ke beech chhidh gayi jang. Par yeh to sheet yuddh ke samaan tha. Idhar bhabhi ne zor ke lalkaar di, to udhar bandhar ne ek phoonkaar. Bhabhi ne haath uthaaya, to bandar ne apne daant dikhaaye. Bhabhi peeche hateen kucch der ke liye, to bandar bhi shaant ho gaya.

Phir bhabhi laathi le kar aayein, aur zor se rasoi ke aur bhaagi. Ab rasoi ke dwar ko lakshman rekha hi samajh lein, kyonki bhabhi ne usko paar na kiya. Laathi uthaaye bas vaar karna ka bhaan kar raheen theen, jab bandar ne bhi do char bartan uthaaye sur phenk daale bhaabhi ki taraf. Donon ne seema rekha ka palan kiya. Na bhabhi ki laathi na bandar ke bartan chaukhat to laanghe. Kuchh der ek doosre ko takne ke baad, bhabhi thak kar phir kamre me aa gayeen.

Sheet yuddh ki tarah hi, yeh bhi kuchh khud hi phusss sa ho gaya. Jab Bhabhi phir rasoi ki aur gayeen to bandar ja chuka tha.

Usi din bhabhi ne rasoi pe taala laga diya. Ab bandar aata, tala tatolta aur phir kucch der baith kar chala jaata. Jab bhabhi ne bhaiyya to key kissa batlaaya to unhone sar pakad liya. Kehne lage, pehle to daftar mein bandaron ko jhelo, ab ghar pe bhi!

Hum sab bhaiiya bhabhi ke shehri bandaron ki kahaani sun ke thahake laga rahe the, ki tabhi ma vahan se guzreen. Unhonne poori baat to suni nahin, bas bhaiyya ko zara sa sun liya aur tokne lageen. “Apne daftar ke logon ko bandar kehte ho! Kuchh to lihaaz karo. Yahi tameez sikhayi hai kya humne? Tum na bolo phir bhi aisa sochoge to zahir ho hi jaayega. Jitni izzat doge, utni milegi… “

Ma ka kya tha, voh to ma theen. Ek baar shuru ho jayein to unko kaun rokne vaala. Bhabhi chupchaap nikal leen kamre se, aur unki hansi ke phawwaron ki aawaaz doosre kamre se aane lagi. Ma ne bhi suni, aurr thodi si khisyaaeen.

Bhaiyaa ne ek dum se lagaam thaam li. “Nahin maa, main afsaron ki nahin, asli bandaron ki baat kar raha hoon. Poore sheher mein naak mein dam kar rakha hai, par sarkaari daftaron ko to apna ghar hi bana baithe hain. Phir bade sahab thehre aap ki tarah Hanuman ji ke bhakt, unko bhagaane bhi nahin dete. Ek kamre se doosre kamre mein jaana bhi khatre ka kaam ho gaya hai. Haath mein kaagaz le ke chalo to chheen letein hain. Hamein to kameez ke neeche filon ko daba ke le jaana padta hai – varna bade sahab ko kya jawab dein? Yeh kaise bolein, ki sahab, kaam to humne kar liya tha, par bandar file uda le gaya!”

Ab to ma se bhi na ruka gaya. Veh bhi hamaare saath khul ke hans rahi theen. Yeh shehri bandar to bade hi tamashebaz nikle. Hamaare yahan to kheton se kuch thoda sa le jaate hain, baaki pedon se phal vagerah kha leten hin. Ghar ya dukannon mein to kabhi na aaye.

“Par is baar to sarkaar ne sahi sabak sikhaaya.” Bhaiyya ka bakhaan abhi baaki tha. “Sarkaar ne ek ajooba istimaal kiya hai.”

Ajooba sun kar hamaari aankhen badi badi gol gol ho gayeen. “Bolein Bhaiyya, kaisa ajooba?”

“Arre, yeh ekdum nayi baat hai, suno. Tumne bahurupiye dekhen hain? Nahin dekhe? Bahurupiye jo hote hain, voh naye naye bhes badal ke apna dhong rachaate hain. Is baar unko bandar ban ke bandaron ko bhagaane ka kaam diya. Hamaare daftar mein bhi aaye the.”

“Phir kya hua?”

“Hona kya tha? Jo idhar tha, voh udhar. Asli bandar oopar, nakli bandar neeche. Kaheen aage, kucch peechhe. Filein baani hathiyaar, aur jo bhi saamne tha bana auzaar. Tehez nehez kar ki rakh diya poora daftar. Aur bandar agle din phir haazir! Suna hai poore chaalis din lagenge. Jab sheher jaaonga, tab dekhenge. Yeh shehri bandar to bade hi chaalak hote hain”

“Beta, sheher jab lautoge to sambhal ke rehna. Dekhna kaheen bandar tumhaari naukri na kar rahein hon!”

Yeh aawaz to pados ke chacha ki thi. Bade hi mazakiya the, aur jab bhaiyya gaaon aate the to roz guppen ladaane shaam ko ghar aa jaate the. Chacha roz subah teen ghante akhbaar padhte the aur poori duniya ki khabar rakhne ka daava karte the.

“Haan chacha, theek hi kehte hain aap. Kya maloom, bandar ke naam ke provident fund account bhi khul gayein hon”

“Ab jab bandar darwaaze khol sakte hain, filon ko thikaane laga sakte hain, to baaki jaane aur kya kya kar lein”

“Lo chacha, aapne suna nahin, Africa mein kya hua?”

Ek aur kahaani, aur hum sab apna khel bhula kar phir iske ghere mein aa gaye.

“Africa vala kissa? Haan, haan – bacchon ko sunaon. Bade maze ka hai!”

“To hua yoon, ki ek camera jungle mein rakha gaya tha. Rakha tha, ya reh gaya tha, main nahin jaanta, par laga is bandar ke haath. Bas, phir kya tha. Bandar ne uthaya, aurr de dhana dhan chamkili lens ke aage apna munh karke, uska button dabaata raha. Tasveerein khinchti raheen. Ab bandar camera ko dekh raha tha, ya camera bandar ko – yeh to ham nahin jaante, par donon roobaroo the. Aur jab tasveerein nikali gayeen, to bhai maloom pada ki khareedaar bahutere the. Sawaal yeh tha ki khareedar to apne dollar liye khade the, par bechne waala kaun tha? Camere ka maalik? Ya bandar, jisne tasveerein kheenchi thein?”

“Wah bhaiyya, yeh to bilkul Birbal ka kissa ho gaya!”

“Bilkul”, Chacha bole. “Yahan to aur bhi haqdaar hain – par unka zikr koi nahin kar raha. Agar tasveer ka mol hai to na sirf kheenchne wale ka, par nikaalne wale ka bhi to haq banta hai, ya nahin?”

“Aur phir, agar yeh keemat bandar ke haq ki maani bhi jaaye, to use denge kaise?”

Bhaiyya ab poore dil se is behas ka maza loot rahe the. Hum bhi kucch kam na the. Ek teer idhar se chala, to ek vaar udhar se. Kisi ne to Bandar Bank bhi khol daala. Aur kisi ne itihaas ke pannon se kisse nikaale jab (slaves) aurr (aborigines) ko insaan gina hi nahin jaata tha. Ab agar bandar hamaare pushtaini bhai jan hain, to kya unka haq hum aise hi nakaar dein.

Insaaf aur haq ki ladai der raat tak chali. Hum ne to faisla kar hi daala tha ki bandar ko apna mehnataana milna hi chahiye jab chhotu ne ek aur sawaal pooch dala.

“Aagar bandar bhaiyya ka bank account khul raha hai, to kya Ma hamaare bhed-bakri-gaye ke liye bhi account kholengi?”

Itne kaagaz patri ka soch ke hi sab ka dil dehal gaya. Bank mein account kholna koi aasan kaam to na tha – hazaar sawaal aur dhai hazaar kagazaat. Voh karega kaun?

Phataphat taye yeh ho gaya ki kisi bandar janvar ka koi haq nahin banta aur agar banta bhi hai, to voh apne account khud hi ja ke khol lein. ‘Jo khud ko sambhaale, vahi sayaana’ – keh ke ma ne sab ko daant – dapat ke,  baatti bujha ke sone bhej diya.

(c) meetawsengupta

Advertisements

One thought on “Bandarnama”

Comments are closed.