10 Rules for Driving in India:
1. Give way to the bigger vehicle. Or to the cheaper vehicle with bits falling off. Do the quick math on who has more to lose.
2. Wary vehicles stick to the edge of the fast lane, its the one no one can overtake, and you are protected on one side by the divider.
3. Drive with one foot on the brake – there will be an idiot driving on the wrong side racing headlong on to you at regular intervals (save this trouble by driving in fast lane)
4. Create horizontal queues to turn i.e. to turn right, wait NEXT to the person in the right lane, not behind.
5. Slice right in front of vehicles to change lanes. That is the only bit of action you are going to get anyway.
6. Remember, all vehicles are like horses, they kick, so never change lanes behind a vehicle, never let them get ahead of you.
7. Honk whenever you do something stupid. That is – all the time, right?
8. The one who flashes – their lights – first is the BOSS.
9. Make sure your number plate shows your connections. (Those in the know, know what I mean). Mere vanity plates are for rich brats with no real power. Learn to tell the difference lest you dare to overtake the former.
10. Always try to create five lanes where three are marked. (Lane markings are those white chalk like paintings on the road, you’ll see them with nose pointing downwards). There is no reason not to vasooli the road. We all die anyway, so why leave room for vehicles to squish up to allow emergency ambulances or fire engines?
Bear your dents with pride. They speak of brushes with fate.
And a little bit of advice:
It is your civic duty to overtake by driving on the wrong side of the road, barrelling into headlong traffic. Of course it is a hazard, you risk your lives and others lives too! How else will our traffic authorities know where to put up cement barriers and BRT like fixed lanes? Be proud, you are now important: your driving has brought change – Emergency and War time cement barricades have been brought in to city centres, just for you.